I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
