Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
