we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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