I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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