About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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