I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
