somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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