My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize