It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
