Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
