i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
