there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
