if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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