I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
