So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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