omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
