found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
