I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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