you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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