If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
