Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
