Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
