JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
