Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
