I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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