It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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