I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
