if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
