Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
