Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
