I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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