you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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