I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
