Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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