Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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