I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What drink are we having for lunch?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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