...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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