I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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