true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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