the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
