Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
they need to just BURY HIM!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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