your parents love me but you hate me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize