Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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