dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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