38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
