I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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