Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
