Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
