he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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