my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
