an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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