don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
