Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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