Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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