Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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