she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
