I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
