My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
