dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
